Domestic Violence Awareness Month · (Part 4 of 5)
Trigger warning: This post discusses abusive relationships, emotional attachment, and fear.
One of the most complicated things about an abusive relationship is that love and pain can exist in the same relationship.
You can recognize that someone’s behavior is hurting you and still miss them.
You can feel exhausted by the relationship and still hope it will improve.
You can know that something needs to change and still be afraid of what happens next.
These conflicting emotions are often misunderstood by people who have never experienced an abusive relationship.
When Hope Keeps You Waiting
You remember the beginning, the meaningful conversations, the happy memories, and the person you believed you were building a future with.
You remember the moments when they were kind and loving.
And you hope that person will return.
You may think, “If I explain myself better, maybe they’ll understand.”
Or, “If I give it a little more time, maybe things will finally change.”
Hope is a powerful human emotion. But hope alone cannot create a safe relationship. Lasting change requires accountability, respect, and consistent behavior.
When Fear Makes the Unknown Feel Impossible
Leaving can mean facing questions you never expected to ask yourself.
Where will I live?
How will I support myself?
Will people believe me?
Will I be alone?
What if I regret my decision?
What if leaving makes things more dangerous?
These fears are not signs of weakness. They are concerns that deserve to be taken seriously, especially when safety, finances, or family responsibilities are involved.
You do not need to have every answer before seeking support.
When You Still Love the Person Who Hurt You
This is something survivors may struggle to admit.
You may miss the person. You may grieve the future you imagined. You may feel sadness even when you know that leaving was necessary for your well-being.
Missing someone doesn’t mean the relationship was healthy.
Grieving the relationship doesn’t mean you made the wrong decision.
And loving someone does not mean you must sacrifice your safety, dignity, or sense of self to remain with them.
You can care about someone and still recognize that their behavior is not okay.
Choosing Yourself Doesn’t Mean You Never Loved Them
Sometimes, choosing yourself means accepting that love cannot replace respect.
It means recognizing that promises are not the same as change and that keeping a relationship together should not require losing yourself.
It means allowing yourself to consider a future in which peace is not dependent on another person’s mood.
That realization may take time. It may come with grief, uncertainty, and difficult emotions.
You are allowed to work through those feelings without judging yourself.
Reflection: What would it mean to believe that you deserve both love and emotional safety?
You don’t have to stop feeling everything overnight. You can take your feelings seriously while also taking your well-being seriously.
Coming next: Leaving Is Not the Whole Story: The Road to Healing After Abuse.
If you are experiencing abuse, you deserve support. In the U.S., the National Domestic Violence Hotline is available at 800-799-SAFE (7233), by texting START to 88788, or at thehotline.org. If you are in immediate danger, call 911.
