Domestic Violence Awareness Month · (Part 3 of 5)
Trigger warning: This post discusses emotional abuse, manipulation, and controlling behavior.
Abuse doesn’t always begin with something that feels unmistakably wrong.
Sometimes, it begins with behavior we explain away.
A hurtful comment becomes a joke. Jealousy becomes proof of love. Constant questioning becomes concern. An apology becomes a reason to forget what happened.
Little by little, our understanding of what is acceptable can begin to change.
1. We Make Excuses for Hurtful Behavior
We tell ourselves that they’re stressed, tired, having a difficult day, or reacting because they care so much.
While everyone makes mistakes, repeated humiliation, intimidation, control, and blame should not be dismissed as ordinary relationship problems.
Understanding someone’s struggles does not require accepting mistreatment.
2. We Confuse Apologies With Change
After a hurtful incident, there may be remorse, affection, gifts, or promises that it will never happen again.
We want to believe things will improve.
But a meaningful apology involves accountability and sustained changes in behavior, not simply words that restore temporary peace.
An apology can be a beginning, but it is not proof that a harmful pattern has ended.
3. We Begin Walking on Eggshells
You start monitoring someone’s tone, mood, and reactions.
You think carefully before speaking. You avoid certain topics. You change your plans to prevent an argument.
Eventually, you may realize that your daily decisions revolve around keeping someone else calm.
Living in constant anticipation of another person’s reaction can be emotionally exhausting.
4. We Lose Trust in Our Own Feelings
When someone repeatedly denies what happened, dismisses your concerns, or turns every disagreement into your fault, you may begin doubting yourself.
You ask whether you misunderstood. You apologize just to end the argument. You stop speaking up because explaining yourself never seems to help.
Over time, you may become more focused on proving that your feelings are valid than on recognizing what you need.
5. We Forget Who We Were Before
Perhaps you once felt confident, spontaneous, outspoken, or connected to people you loved.
Now, you may feel anxious about making decisions, guilty about setting boundaries, or unsure of what makes you happy.
This loss can happen gradually.
Recognizing it is not about blaming yourself for staying. It is about acknowledging how deeply an unhealthy relationship may have affected you.
Seeing the Pattern Is Not the Same as Blaming Yourself
You may not have recognized these behaviors immediately. You may have believed the promises or hoped love would be enough.
You were responding to the circumstances and understanding you had at the time.
Now, you can begin asking different questions:
Do I feel safe expressing myself?
Can I disagree without being intimidated or punished?
Are apologies followed by lasting accountability?
Am I free to make decisions without fear?
You deserve to take these questions seriously.
Reflection: What behavior did you once excuse that you now recognize as harmful?
Awareness is not about judging the person you were. It is about giving yourself the understanding and clarity you may not have had before.
Coming next: When Love, Fear, and Hope Keep You From Leaving.
If you are experiencing abuse, you deserve support. In the U.S., the National Domestic Violence Hotline is available at 800-799-SAFE (7233), by texting START to 88788, or at thehotline.org. If you are in immediate danger, call 911.
