Domestic Violence Awareness Month · (Part 2 of 5)
Trigger warning: This post discusses domestic violence, fear, and barriers to leaving.
“Why don’t they just leave?”
It’s a question people often ask when they see someone experiencing abuse. From the outside, leaving may seem like the obvious answer.
But when you’re living inside an abusive relationship, leaving can feel like facing a hundred unknowns at once.
It isn’t always about whether you recognize the abuse. Sometimes, it’s about whether you feel safe enough, supported enough, or financially able to leave.
The Barriers People Don’t Always See
Fear of what might happen. A survivor may fear retaliation, threats, stalking, or escalating abuse when they attempt to leave. Separation can sometimes increase danger.
Financial dependence. Housing, bills, shared accounts, employment, and legal expenses can make independence difficult to achieve immediately.
Children and family responsibilities. Decisions may involve custody, schooling, family pressure, and concerns about children’s safety and stability.
Emotional attachment. Loving someone doesn’t automatically disappear when their behavior becomes harmful. Survivors may remember the good times and hope the relationship can change.
Shame and judgment. Fear of being blamed, disbelieved, or told “I told you so” can make asking for help feel almost impossible.
The uncertainty of starting over. After years of adapting to another person’s expectations, the prospect of making decisions independently can feel frightening.
These barriers are not excuses. They are real challenges that deserve understanding and support.
Leaving Is a Process, Not a Test of Courage
Some people leave quickly. Others need time to gather resources, seek advice, build a support network, or make a safety plan.
Some leave and return before they are able to leave permanently.
None of these experiences means someone is undeserving of help.
Instead of measuring a survivor’s courage by how quickly they leave, we should ask what support would help them move toward safety.
If you are considering leaving, a domestic violence advocate can help you explore options confidentially and plan around your circumstances. If you believe leaving could put you in danger, you do not have to announce your plans before seeking support.
What We Should Say Instead
Instead of asking, “Why did you stay?” try asking:
“What made leaving difficult?”
“What are you worried might happen?”
“How can I support you without making you feel pressured?”
Compassion can make it easier for someone to speak honestly and seek help when they are ready.
Reflection: What assumptions have we made about leaving abusive relationships without understanding what a survivor might be facing?
Leaving is not a simple decision between staying and going. It can be a complicated journey toward safety, independence, and the possibility of a different life.
Coming next: The Things We Ignore While Living in the Abuse Cycle.
If you are experiencing abuse, you deserve support. In the U.S., the National Domestic Violence Hotline is available at 800-799-SAFE (7233), by texting START to 88788, or at thehotline.org. If you are in immediate danger, call 911.
